Good Evening, Beautiful

Hello Beautiful.

I’ve decided to write anonymous notes to you in the form of a blog. You will never read them. No one you know will ever read them. It will give me a chance to write the things that I wish I could say to you.

Tonight has been hard on me. You and I have been playing this game..

My part of the game? I’m scared to death of getting hurt. In every relationship or encounter I’ve had, I’ve been in control. You? You’re different. There’s no controlling you. Furthermore, I don’t want to control you. For once in my life, I’m in a relationship that’s not all about me. It’s about us. And you know I’d do anything for you. But in that vulnerability, I’m scared. I’m so scared. If this works, I know it will be fantastic. But I am so scared to stick around and find out. You? This? It all requires patience. I worry that I’ll stick around and be patient, and get my heart shattered.

You my friend? You’re in a tough place. And emotionally? With me? You’re in and out. I know this is hard for you. Sometimes, love, you freely give and show your emotions, are close to me, and show me how you feel. Other times, you’re withdrawn. And it comes and goes.

And it’s so hard for me to love you, because when you become withdrawn, it hurts my heart. It feels like you have my heart and your hand, and you’re squeezing it. I can feel it beating, but it’s constricted.. It almost feels like my heart is suffocating.

And tonight love, is one of those nights. Last night, you opened up to me. And today, while it was great, I sensed you were closed off again. I know how it goes. I went with the flow. Tonight, in bed, after making love, I brought up something about last night. You got upset with me. Snapped at me. That really hurt me, and I tried to fix it.. Generally speaking, not bringing up anything about last night. I asked if we could talk. You got angry. Told me that we could talk any other time. Yelled at me that you just wanted to sleep. I cried in bed. Right next to you.

All I wanted was to apologize, and for you to forgive me, and hold me. I’m sorry for keeping you up. You started to fall asleep, but I asked you to forgive me. And sternly you said, “Fine, I forgive you. I’m going to sleep now.” I cried; I hate when you’re upset with me and snap at me. I can’t sleep when you’re upset with me. Then it hurt even more that you were easily able to fall asleep while I lay crying right next to you. I cried more.

I know something came up this week. You’re very upset about something. I can understand why you’d be snappy, in that sense. It just hurts so much that you let me in, like last night, while I held you while you were crying, and then other times, like tonight, you snap at me, and easily fall asleep as I lay crying next to you.

Now I’m up. Typing. This is not my only blog, but I can’t write about you.. about this.. in my other blog.

I can’t go to sleep. I can’t sleep when I’m upset. I can’t sleep when you’re mad at me. I’ll cry if I go to bed, and I know you won’t hold me.

I wish you would get up, and say “Baby, come to bed. I’m sorry everything got so crazy. I was just tired.”

I know tomorrow is going to be a hard day for you. Please know that I care about you so much, and I’ll be thinking about you.